Celebrity Sex Tape Showdown: What Have We Learned?

This tape probably never existed, but the rumor blazed for a bit that she and ex-husband Nick Lachey made a sex tape that fell into the same unscrupulous hands behind the Pamela Anderson release. The main thing is that Jessica is the best kind of straight stoopid: fall-out-your-chair dumb in a guilt-inducing, somehow lovable way. If you don’t believe me, check out this montage comparing her to a certain leading man in the White House here. If the sex tape had existed, she probably would have been caught saying something penetratingly dumb like "We're burning calories!"

Star of Disney Channel Original Movies High School Musical and High School Musical 2, Vanessa, all of seventeen years old, decided to take some nude photos for the benefit of her Disney co-star beau Zac Efron. She’s probably the most innocent one on this list by far, so this is all I have to say: for the love of the Disney-watching nine-year-old naifs everywhere, stop before you inadvertently release High School Skin Flute: Variations on the Trouser Snake, Vols. 1-5.

Aside from the obvious hilarity of the premise, this tape apparently actually took place in a hotel room somewhere and involves the mythical Dirty Sanchez (or so relentlessly type-cast Screech would have us believe). Disturbing, but mostly desperately lame and lamely desperate. It seems the classic Saved By the Bell nerd-geek needed to stand up on the Internet and yell, "Who’s the big man now, Zach?!"

Unfortunately, this won't be the last time today I'll type Pam & Tommy Lee, but maybe it'll be last time today I'll type "brought up on battery charges," "unlawful possession of a firearm," "disturbing the peace," "indecent exposure," "assault," and, everyone's favorite, "inciting a riot." Damn, Tommy. In addition to the "intimacy", we get to find out that the man got a vasectomy and Pam Anderson accuses him of infecting her with Hep-C through a tattoo needle. That doesn't sound very rockstar, Tommy. Jim Morrison at least had the directness to try to set his lady on fire.

In the stills on the Internet from the "leaked" tape starring Mr. Farrell and his one-time flame Nicole Narain, there he is, head buzzed and naked. Has his lawyer demanded that the photo be removed? Nah. He's Colin Farrell, and he wants you to know about his legendary inability to keep his pants on.

While I'm thanking my lucky stars for the opportunity to remember the golden years of Creed, mull this over: Creed ex-frontman Scott Stapp incited a melee with the band 311 on Thanksgiving 2005, was booked for public intoxication on his wedding night, and appeared with Kid Rock in a groupie blowjob-fest videotape. Apparently the only thing that sells better than sex is hypocritical, violent, stupid sex.

I actually feel kinda bad for the girl. Alleged Rapper Ray J went on vacation with the jean-filling Paris sidekick and then "lost track of" a sex tape they made together. She then left an angry voicemail for Ray J because he won't call her back, and he posted that to YouTube. I do wish I hadn't learned that Kim's stepfather weirdly went to her Playboy photo shot – I have two words: father issues.

R. Kelly would like us to forget his penchant for water sports and underage girls and just focus on his social role: "I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now." Sure R., now put down that plastic mattress cover before coming over to my place for a sleepover.

Pam & Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon shows Pamela Anderson before she shed a few bushels of tata gel and gave up eating meat. Now, given the rumors I've heard about Tommy Lee, did she ever take drugs so she could have sex without crying?

One is tempted to make a separate entry for the Carl Jr.'s commercial Paris shot that makes one of the most explicit connections ever perpetrated on national TV between hamburger meat and, well, other kinds of USDA meat. They say celebrities mirror our culture and our culture is in fact a lot like Rilo Kiley's face on YouTube while she discovers Paris Hilton's sex tape: we can't stop pushing that sore tooth... ouch... ouch... ouch. At least 1 Night in Paris (yeah, that's the title) inspired a sculptor to make an anti-drunk driving piece entitled "Autopsy," which you can view here.