CGI or not CGI?

Not surprisingly, Angelina Jolie's breasts are the biggest concern.  No easy answers here - fact is, her breasts are never enhanced electronically.  Her nipples, on the other hand, are manipulated like crazy.  An entire top-secret division at Digital Domain slaves around the clock to deal with those babies (And you think you got a great job?).  Not that AJ's fun-buttons aren't ripe and succulent all on their own, but take a movie like Tomb Raider II (please)--what would that be without those pert, fabric-poking, CGI-enhanced man-magnets?

In fact, so pervasive was CGI in that film, four-inch green patches were sewn onto every costume AJ wore.  (Similarly, bad-boy Matthew McConaughey was once snapped with his guy-pals painted green, but that was St. Patrick's Day--a whole different story.)

For conservative territories like Singapore, Jolie's noogie-knobs are flattened entirely (oh, the humanity).  And what they won't tell you is that the technology to tame AJ's perky-points was originally developed during the Teri Hatcher/Desperate Housewives crisis.

So what is Jolie doing now that she has (other) twins and needs to breast-feed on the set?  Word has it that hubby BP stands off-camera with a breast-pump and springs to action between takes.  When's that movie coming out?

The Dark Knight obviously has tons of CGI added.  But what you may not realize is how CGI was used to remove an entire element of the film.  I'm referring to Robin, of course.  In a misguided attempt to recreate the campy feel of the 60s TV show, director Christopher Nolan had originally inserted Robin (reportedly played by teen heartthrob Jesse McCartney) in every scene to exclaim, "Holy bell-bottoms, Batman, the Joker's really got you in stitches this time!"  The concept tested poorly in preview screenings, and along with the miscellaneous "Pows" and "Boinks," was removed electronically.

Entirely computer-generated.  That's right, not a single actual robot in the entire movie.  Surprised?  I was.

The slow-motion bullet shots are CGI, but what about the shoot-the-wings-off-the-fly sequence?  An anonymous source tells me the close-ups were filmed live on a soundstage in Santa Clarita over the course of three weeks.  Something like forty thousand flies were massacred, twenty-seven million miles of film was shot, and four van-loads of 9mm cartridges were expended during the shoot.  When supplies of purchased flies ran out, a half-ton of horse-manure was delivered in a cruel attempt to attract volunteers with a promise of "meals, credit, and a percentage of the gross." 

And by the way, these people have too much time on their hands.  

This is the breakthrough film that established CGI's permanent place in the arsenal of film-making weapons.  For the first time we have a top-notch script combined with stellar acting seamlessly woven into some of the best turtle sword-play ever filmed (or computer-generated).  Who can forget the hundreds of hackneyed pop-culture references, the expressionless turtle-faces, the other stuff.  Best line: "You were expecting maybe the Addams Family?"

Of course this film introduced "Bullet Time," which is cool on toast, but let's pay tribute to the earlier inspiration, Interconnective Tissue.  In that film the actors had to pose for hours frozen in backbreaking positions while the camera and bullets were repositioned for frame-by-frame stop-motion animation.  On the plus side, many of those then unknown actors have gone on to fame in a series of vertebrae reconstruction surgery videos filmed at the world-renowned UCLA Medical Center.

How the heck did they turn a mostly lifeless actor like Tom Hanks into a fully mobile character?   Fiber optics.  Ropelike cables were strategically wrapped around Hanks' body, despite his protests, then his violent thrashings were transmitted to the computer.  "Eventually I came to enjoy it!" enthused the always-delighted actor.  Previous to this technological breakthrough, to get the same information dozens of cameras had to be placed completely around the subject while "enhanced interrogation techniques" were employed.

The movie's all about the suit, isn't it?  The folks at ILM would have you believe they created the whole thing on their mighty Macs.  Wrong.  Iron Man's suit was entirely the creation of Manny (L'il Abe) Beckermann, 89, a Chicago tailor.  "Some of this, a little of that, a few hours of sewing, what?  Was nothing," declares the self-effacing immigrant and grandfather of twelve.  "But that Norton Donny boy--what a meshugeneh, with the 'junior' and all that.  What kind of grown person calls himself 'junior' for crying out loud?  And stand still for a fitting?  Forget it.  Hey, do you know Angelina Jolie?  What's with those nipples, anyway?"